The cure for my blues

1 Corinthians 6:19-20(NLT) Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God?  You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price.  So you must honor God with your body.


When I am feeling down, which is a lot, my first reaction is to lie in bed, watch movies, and eat carbs.  This approach makes me feel even worse than I felt originally.  Unfortunately the movie-carb mode can last for weeks and its a sink hole.  Purely by the grace of God I escape from it.  And when I do get out, my healthier way of coping is exercise.   But not the average 30min/day 3 times a week, instead I tend to go for the extremely hard workouts.  The kind that when you are done, you can't believe you made it through.

I love the workouts in P90x, anything from the Biggest Loser folks, Zumba, intense bike rides up steep inclines, trail runs on rolling hills, and swimming laps.  Lately I have been trying to prepare for the Air Force Classic Ride its a bike ride that has a 5 mile loop and you have to complete as many loops as you can in 3 hours.  I am told there is a really steep hill on this course so I am excited.

Over the past holiday weekend we vacationed on the Eastern Shore of Maryland and biked about 60 miles to help train for my upcoming race-I know its extreme but it keeps me out of the sinkhole!

We rode out to a wild life refuge

Riding on the country roads

Stopped for a break to celebrate and admire the scenery

Nothing like sharing a hard ride with my BFF

Towards the end of this ride, the hubs decided it was a great time to bust out the iphone to take some video; supposedly to give me tips on my form...but we had already done 35 miles and still had 5 to go!! So instead, here is what he got....!

After going really hard on this ride, towards the end I felt like I was having an out of body experience where all you can focus on is one pedal stroke at a time.  Its a similar feeling to the struggle I feel at putting one foot in front of the other and climbing out of the sinkhole.  Today,  I am out of it and looking forward to the next winding road, In Jesus name

Mending the pain with a needle and thread

Isaiah 43:19 (ESV) Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert


I am not only faced with the physical limitations of not being able to have a baby but it would also be such a financial burden.  I know there are other ways of growing our family but I have no idea how we could fund a real quality of life for a child given our current financial status.  Our financial struggle is certainly a stress entirely on its own.  Despite the pressures of my life, I have actually been able to find solace in sewing.    I learned to sew just over a year ago.  Creating something out of nothing gives me hope that just maybe there is a way out of no way!

In our household there is not really any extra money for buying myself clothes and shoes.  So I shop at thrift stores and recently discovered clothing swaps.  As I attend swaps or go to thrift stores, I keep a creative eye out for items that can be cut up and/or sewn into something new.

This is a clothes hamper that is overflowing with clothes I have picked up along the way destined for new creations.  

This morning I came across this skirt I had picked up at a swap.  (I kept my head scarf on in the picture for some dowdy emphasis!) The skirt is too big, its the wrong length,  but I just loved the pattern and colors.  I thought it would make a cute top.

I pinned along where I wanted to put in a sleeve.

Gave the new sleeve a seam.

Then I cut along the seam for the new sleeve.  

Pinned and sewed along the other side

And here are the finished results! (40 minutes later...)

  I even had some extra material to make a small belt to cinch in the waistline.  

Later in the day I got to live out one of my ultimate fantasies by singing with a band!  My neighborhood had an event where they had a live karaoke band.  I am a terrible singer but I love to sing so I rocked it out in my creation!  

May I continue to create anew and may the Lord fashion a new creation in me! In Jesus name, 

Celebrating 7 years of marriage

Matthew 18:20 (ESV)  "For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

Marriage is more work than I could ever have imagined.  Still taking the time for each other despite our personal and collective pain can sometimes be beyond our human capability. 

My husband and I are just finishing a marriage course we took at our church called Radical Love.  The concepts taught in the class are completely different from any that I have learned before.   The course teaches that my spouse is a gift from God and my response to the ups and downs of marriage is really a response to God.  So all of the challenges that we face from infertility, financial struggles, or whose turn it is to wash the dishes we must turn to God for the questions and answers.  As conflicts arise they strengthen us and allow us to grow in our relationship with God and each other. 

At this point we don't know what is in the future for our family building.  I can only thank God for the husband He has given me.  I love you babe! In Jesus name

Keeping Up Appearances

I Samuel 16:7 (NIV) But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.  The Lord does not look at things people look at.  People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."


One of my favorite Britcoms is "Keeping Up Appearances".  Its a silly light-hearted show about Hyacinth Bucket who tries her hardest to climb the British social ladder but by the end of every episode, her efforts completely fall apart.  If you have time, this is one of my favorite episodes...

In the face of infertility, I try to give the appearance that I have it all together.  I used to have a laser focus on my life's goals and always orientated to the next task to get there.  My ultimate goal was to have a family with the love of my life.  Not being able to achieve this goal took away my sense of self.  I was no longer the over achiever, the one who sets her sights on something and accomplishes it.  For me, since my ultimate goal can't be achieved, all of my other life goals seem pretty meaningless.  This change forced me to work in a mode of survival.  Every choice I make regarding where I go, what I watch, what I read, who I talk to are in efforts to avoid that pain.  Since I care(probably too much) about what people think, I avoid my painful reality in order to keep up my appearance that things are okay.  And just like Hyacinth Bucket, by the end of the day, the weeks, the month, or even the minute things can fall apart at the drop of a hat.

Its taken 5 years of dealing with this devastation to see that when I am at my weakest is when God really steps in to heal me.  When I am stumbling around, can hardly see through my tears, can barely put one foot in front of the other is when the Holy Spirit nourishes my soul and brings me peace.  I still find myself in lowest despair that never gets any easier but the low points just don't last as long as they used to!  In Jesus name

Happy Mother's Day(..yeah..ok)

Exodus 20:12 (The Message) Honor your father and your mother so that you'll live a long time in the land that God, your God,  is giving you.  


Mother's Day is the most bittersweet day of the year.  While I certainly do my best to honor the unconditional love of my own mother, I love you mom! The most overwhelming feeling is to stay in bed with the covers over my head.  For the entire Mother's Day weekend, EVERY where I go people are wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day"!!  I know, I know, they are just being polite but the assumption that I because I am a woman; I am also a mother is just too much....

A couple of years ago I decided that going to church on Mother's Day is no longer a possibility.  At any moment during the service I could cause a spectacle by falling out in my pew, the ushers may have to rush over to fan me, or even worse they would have to escort me out to the little room with the cot.  I know the Lord wants us to praise and worship Him in the good times and bad but I am just not a mature/evolved enough Christian to not care what people think.  I can just imagine what my church people would say, "Please keep our sister in your prayers, she is going to have to spend some time in the loony bin."  

So instead, my husband and I established our own Mother's Day tradition, we prepare our garden for our summer vegetables! There is nothing like venting my frustration by turning our soil over, hauling in some fresh compost, and planting our new vegetables.  See, people with no kids still know how to have a good time!

For my sisters that are on this journey with me, I wanted to share a hilarious, laugh-out-loud, blog called

  999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility

The following is a re-post of one of the blogs recent 'tips'

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Fertility Tip Number 8,043 —> Try not to have an emotional breakdown about infertility in the workplace. You never know if you’re going to be on an episode of Undercover Boss.

“May-Lou, I’ve called you into my office because I am not really Gus, the pizza delivery guy. I am Constantine the third, the CEO of your workplace. During our time together, I noticed that you spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom and cursing at a box of tampons. As a company, we have decided to pay for all of your fertility treatments, and promote you to a different department for infertility insane workers.”

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So, for all the Mothers and Mothers-To-Be-But-You-Don't-Know-When-Its-Going-To-Happen,  

Happy Mothers Day!!

And if you do find yourself falling out or having a breakdown, learn from my mistakes, try your best to protect your head and neck!!  

But when all else fails, just praise Him anyhow.....In Jesus name

What is the point of having kids?

Proverbs 30:16 (NKJV) The grave, the barren womb, the earth that is not satisfied with water-And the fire never says, "Enough!"


So we attended another infertility/adoption seminar last night.  I was most inspired by the ladies' testimonies on how they overcame their challenges in growing their families.  There was a woman that adopted through the foster care system, another adopted through an agency after countless failed fertility treatments, one lady the doctors told her they had no idea why she couldn't conceive and eventually she conceived naturally, and another had her mother be her surrogate delivering her triplets!  A panel of specialist including a  fertility doctor, adoption attorneys, a foster care representative, and counselors that all discussed the ways a family is possible.  The whole theme of the evening seemed to be its not if a family is possible but when.  

After the seminar, we went to talk the fertility doctor because we have not give up hope on having a child that has both mine and my husband's DNA.  But he gave the same answer that so many specialist have before him-NO!  He was very sweet about it and I completely respected his opinion.  He could have said, "sure lets give it a try" and then run to the bank with our money!  At the end of our conversation, the doctor even gave me a hug(I don't think I have ever gotten a hug from a doctor before) but it was probably because he knew the futility of our situation and of course my mascara was running by that point.....

So the discussion after we got home centered around, what is the point of it all? For people like us who seriously have to jump over some major hurdles to have a family, is this the way God intended it to be?  Then once we overcome those hurdles we'll have even larger ones in raising the child. I don't have the slightest idea on what that is like, but from the outside looking in, raising the child seems like its harder than bringing them through the front door.  And I always come back to the same question for myself, "Do I want a child only because it seems impossible?" Or does the yearning for a child come from God like in Psalms 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. 

So I am left with the same grief that never seems to get easier, the same outlook that never gets brighter, and the same questions that never get answered.  Only the Lord knows all....In Jesus name

A spring day in NYC!!

Proverbs 27:9 (NLT) The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense

The devastation of infertility causes a strain on ALL of my relationships.  At times I can become so emotionally unstable that the people who are closest to me tend to stay away.  Even my sweet little dog with her unconditional love runs away when she doesn't know what to make of my extreme grief or maybe its because I have the habit of banging things around in frustration!  It hurts more than words can express how my pain has cost me the relationships that are the most important.   My connections with my family and close friends will prayerfully improve with God's help. 




In the MEANTIME, I have gotten so much joy from hanging out with ladies that I don't know that well but we have a lot of common interests.  So I joined  a variety of MeetUp groups that center around activities that I enjoy.  Its just fun and easy sharing in an activity that you love while having some general girly chit chat.  For once, I can be carefree and I don't have to worry about my mascara running! 


My absolute favorite group is centered around sewing and thrift store shopping.  I get together with these super fun ladies for sewing classes, fabric shopping, and finding thrift store bargains.  This past weekend we hung out in New York City for some fabric shopping and visited some of the famous flea markets. 

My new friends trying on some fab vintage overcoats.

My attempt at being NYC chic in the famous Hell's Kitchen Flea market

Amazing fabric for days...

We made some great purchases at Spandex World...I got this bright idea to make some running skirts!

Thank you Mood!...the prices are so expensive I could only afford the bag and a half yard of silk...

Just an incredible time with these ladies, I look forward to more good time with my old and new friends.  Relationships are so important, despite my personal struggles, I pray those that matter now how special they are to me,  In Jesus name

Risking Embarrassment For My Health

Numbers 11:5 We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost--also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic.

For a long time I have been feeling depressed, devastated, and just down & out.  When I am feeling low, I tend to eat comfort foods like bagels, sandwiches, pizza, sweets and my all time favorite french fries!  It goes without saying that comfort foods are bad for my waistline and along with the stress; my blood pressure is horrible.  For the most part, my blood pressure has been controlled with medications but I am just sick of taking BP meds!!! I am mostly sick of the side effects like how my ankles swell from standing in one place for an extended period of time.  How am I supposed to look cute at a party with swollen ankles?  Not to mention if when the miracle of miracles happen and I do get pregnant, the BP meds could hurt my baby!!

So along with my doctor, I have declared war on my blood pressure meds.  My goal is, by 2013, to be free from BP meds.  To achieve this goal I am doing EVERYTHING possible to make this happen like working out 6 days a week, eating at least 4600mg of potassium(potassium removes the sodium from the body), and pray pray pray!  I also bought one of those online guides/reports about how to lower your blood pressure naturally.  For the most part I am already doing everything , but there is a new suggestion that I started trying...and here is where the embarrassing part comes in...

Freshly chopped, raw garlic is considered to be one of the world's healthiest food and....
1) is a natural antioxidant that has anti-clotting abilities that help prevent heart disease and stroke
2) helps to prevent prostate cancer, colon cancer, stomach cancer, and breast cancer
3) may promote weight loss
4) it has been shown to lower blood pressure
5) reduces pain and inflammation in the body
6) is a good source of vitamin B6
7) is a good anti-fungal agent for treating yeast infections, vaginitis, and athletes foot
8) can protect against diabetes complications

So my 'reduce blood pressure naturally' guide suggest that I have 1 clove of freshly chopped garlic daily(only the freshly chopped has the maximum health benefits for my health and blood pressure) along with 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper(helps adjust blood pressure to normal levels), 2 teaspoons of apple cider vinegar(also helps adjust bp levels), and 1 teaspoon of  unsweetened cocoa powder(which is an antidepressant and regulates bp).  I mix it all together in my blender along with some protein powder in the mornings.  I know its extreme..but I am on a mission.  After I have this concoction in the morning I feel like anything is possible and I have the breath of fire-literally!  

Still, the benefits outweigh the humiliation of having fire breath all day.  I just chew lots of gum, drink lots of water, practice a lot of nose breathing, try to talk to people at work at least 5 feet away, and I even dab a little peppermint oil on my skin.  My 'hilarious' husband says I still smell like Chef Boyardee!!  Its all for the good, because I will be blood pressure medicine free, In Jesus name

"To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow"-Audrey Hepburn

Ecclesiastes 3:1-3(ESV) For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
³ a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;


I have a lot of hobbies...a lot!! So many in fact, that when I come home its almost overwhelming trying to decide what project I should work on.  My therapist calls it avoidant coping because I don't always address how I am truly feeling.  I call it survival.  


One of my hobbies is gardening.  For me, gardening is an entirely spiritual process making me keenly aware of the seasons and the circle of life.  In the winter I pour over my seed catalogs getting excited by all of the pretty pictures of the beautiful vegetables.  Then in the spring I prepare the soil and plant my tiny seeds with great anticipation of the delicious vegetables that they are to become.  By the summer I may be able to harvest and enjoy my vegetables or I might be sorely disappointed if my plants get overtaken by bugs, disease, or they just don't make it for some unknown reason.  By late summer my garden beds usually get so over grown and full of weeds it looks like a miniature jungle. For the fall, everything has either died or is not producing any fruit so I pull everything out and into the compost pile it goes.  

To me the compost pile is where the miracle of gardening really happens, no matter what mistakes I have made, no matter what diseases or pests have invaded my plants, and no matter what disappointments in what should have been it all gets mixed into the compost pile to give me hope for next season.  

This finished compost, made from my triumphs and mistakes from last season, will serve as a new beginning for my seeds of tomorrow.  In Jesus Name,