Keeping Up Appearances

I Samuel 16:7 (NIV) But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.  The Lord does not look at things people look at.  People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."


One of my favorite Britcoms is "Keeping Up Appearances".  Its a silly light-hearted show about Hyacinth Bucket who tries her hardest to climb the British social ladder but by the end of every episode, her efforts completely fall apart.  If you have time, this is one of my favorite episodes...

In the face of infertility, I try to give the appearance that I have it all together.  I used to have a laser focus on my life's goals and always orientated to the next task to get there.  My ultimate goal was to have a family with the love of my life.  Not being able to achieve this goal took away my sense of self.  I was no longer the over achiever, the one who sets her sights on something and accomplishes it.  For me, since my ultimate goal can't be achieved, all of my other life goals seem pretty meaningless.  This change forced me to work in a mode of survival.  Every choice I make regarding where I go, what I watch, what I read, who I talk to are in efforts to avoid that pain.  Since I care(probably too much) about what people think, I avoid my painful reality in order to keep up my appearance that things are okay.  And just like Hyacinth Bucket, by the end of the day, the weeks, the month, or even the minute things can fall apart at the drop of a hat.

Its taken 5 years of dealing with this devastation to see that when I am at my weakest is when God really steps in to heal me.  When I am stumbling around, can hardly see through my tears, can barely put one foot in front of the other is when the Holy Spirit nourishes my soul and brings me peace.  I still find myself in lowest despair that never gets any easier but the low points just don't last as long as they used to!  In Jesus name