Heart-Broken

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV) Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  If either one of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 

I always thought that my long term friendships with my girlfriends were forever.  I thought that no matter what may have been done or not done; said or not said -we would be there for one another in a both big ways and small.  I thought my friends were my family and that our relationship was unconditional. 

I guess I was wrong. 

The grief of infertility is all consuming.  This grief latched on to me like a leech draining me of my joy and selfishly took over my life causing me to be distant from everyone and everything that I love.  When it comes to my friends, I have completely accepted my role in not being there for them the way that I used to.   But now that it seems that this burden of grief has become just a little lighter I have reached out to my friend and she is not there. 

I never thought it was possible to be so heart broken by the loss of a friendship that I didn't even know was gone.  Even writing this entry I have had to pause to dry my eyes. 

My only resolve is to not give up now matter how much the rejection hurts.   Along with all of the other challenges in my life, just letting my friendships go is not the answer.  While my friends and I may be on completely different paths in life,  may they always know that they are important to me, I love them, and I am praying for them.  In Jesus name,

A vintage transformation

Romans 12:2 (NIV) Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing, and perfect will.   


Some days I just wish I could have a different life.  I wish I had chosen a different career path instead of being stuck at the bottom of a new career that I don't really have any passion for.  I wish I didn't have to experience so much sadness and disappointment at every turn.  When I see others that seem to be living the life that I had hoped for, I genuinely feel happy for them but even more sad for my dreams that didn't come true.

If I have learned anything from my experiences its that things change and never ever stay the same. This truth gives me comfort, hope, and the strength to face another day.  

Yesterday I had a really bad day at work.  It was the kind of day where all these issues kept arising that I had absolutely no control over but it was my job to expedite some sort of resolution.  I ran my own business for over 10 years and due to the change in the economy I have had to humble myself and become an employee.  So not having complete control over any and all situations makes me want to scream!  Instead, I come home and work on projects where I do have complete control like working out, sewing, gardening, wine making, or even just washing some dishes. Simple projects that I enjoy give me peace in knowing that I can at least accomplish some things that I set out to do.

My solution for my bad day at work was to take a look at my wardrobe and find a something that could be renewed or transformed.  I came across this shirt dress.

I got this dress at a clothing swap last summer. When I first tried it on it was way too small but I just loved the colors and the unique pattern. So it took up the hopeful space in my closet because I just know someday  it would fit.   Around the same time I decided to start running so I could loose weight just to wear the dress.  I ended up loving to run, I lost weight, and now the dress is almost too big; so this dress really caused a transformation in me! 

 I recently discovered the dress is vintage from a mid 80's designer- Katherine Ogust.   You can't tell from the picture above, but the white was really starting to look dingy and showing its age.  

Katherine Ogust dresses sell for around $140 and I got mine for free!

After my hard day at work, I decided to renew and transform my favorite dress with some fabric dye.

I put it in the washer with some hot water and left the washer cycle on agitate for 30 minutes.  

It was quite an easy process, I sat and watch the washer almost the entire time wishing there was some way I could jump in with the dress, get agitated for 30 minutes, then emerge transformed with a fantastic profession that I love and a working reproductive system!

Until that happens, I'll settle for a new-to-me dress renewed by some $2 fabric dye and transformed by my creativity.  

I headed off to work the next day in my dress armed with a quiet sense of accomplishment and realization that God gave me this washer machine called life; whichever cycle He chooses to have me on, I will emerge renewed and transformed.   In Jesus name

But I still kept it moving

2 Timothy 1:7 ASV For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. 


There is a lot of stuff that I am unnecessarily afraid of like the uncertain future of how I will be able to have children(or what my life will be like without them), fear of becoming terminally ill, fear of my husband getting hurt on the job, or the fear of not being able to pay the mortgage and having to live on the streets!  All of these fears I really have no control of, so I pray about it and leave it up to the Lord.  A lot of times I do feel anxiety but I just know God doesn't want me to spend so much time worrying.  He wants me to trust in Him,  talk to Him about what I am scared of, read His word to find out what He wants me to know, and just keep it moving!   


Facing  fears, no matter how small, and overcoming them is God's way of showing me that He wants what's best for me. And reaching my full potential is a requirement.   

View of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge from Sandy Point Beach

I have always been a swimmer.  In fact I learned to swim about the same time that I learned to walk.  My sign is Pisces so I am very comfortable in the water; oceans, rivers, lakes, pools, streams, a bucket of water..I am all over it!   However, I have only done my fitness swimming in the pool.  The pool has the wall to rest and push off of, lane dividers so you don't run into people, tiles that you can see to the bottom, an even current until you swim by a really large person, and no foreign objects(for the most part).  


Swimming without stopping in the open water has been a big fear.  So today I took an open water swim class on the Chesapeake Bay.   Before the class I had so much anxiety and the biggest case of the 'what if's'.  What if the water is too cold because I didn't have a wet suit, what if I encounter some wildlife that freaks me out and they bite or sting, what if the current is so high that when I turn my head for a breath and all I get is water, what if my goggles fill with water and I can't see, what if I get tense or fatigued and there is no place to rest so I just sink!  My anxiety was so high, I contemplated my lack of estate planning....


But I still kept it moving.

The class instructors wrote numbers on our hands to ensure the same bodies that went into the water were the same bodies that came back out.  They assured us that so far,they had a 100% return rate....um.. OK...

Just about all of my fellow swimmers wore their spiffy wet suits except poor little me!

They gave us a talk in the beginning to give us advice for a good swim like singing a song in your head if you start to panic(*gulp*), preparing us for un-apologetically getting smacked or kicked by fellow swimmers, how to sight landmarks to stay on course or else you might swim off into the wild blue yonder, and not to attempt to run on top of the water if you spot the friendly animals that have a 4 foot wing span and hang out in packs of at least twelve(I didn't even catch the name of the animal all I heard was "4 foot wing span" and "gang of twelve"!)

But I still kept it moving.

Armed with my fresh 'knowledge' I head to the water.  I lagged behind and let the gung-ho wet suits go in first.  When it was my turn, I dove right in and discovered that the temperature was not shockingly cold.  So, I swam the first leg of the 500meter loop and didn't look up so I got off track and away from the group, once I got back on track I ran into people, and then I panicked thinking that I saw one of  the twelve gang members.  

But I still kept it moving.

Here's part of the 500meter loop with the instructors in kayaks.  I am the little black dot with the yellow swim cap.

The longer I swam, the more I became comfortable, confident, and me fears of the open water relieved. I enjoyed myself so much I ended up swimming about 1500meters- nearly a mile!  I discovered, in a brand new way, the aspects of swimming that I love-the space and freedom, the living in the moment, the determination to just keep it moving; all the while experiencing the earth that God created in a new dimension.   

May the Lord continue to calm my fears so I live the life He gave me to the fullest, In Jesus name